I can change if I want to?

I like the idea that I make mistakes, it makes me feel more human and more aware of things. With my anxiety disorder I have managed to see the world different, think differently to. I have had a boyfriend for almost a year now, and it has been a year of pain, a year of love and a year of me being extremely messy. My problems began way before him though. To this day, I still manage to mess up and fall apart but it’s ok I am only human right. I will tell it from the start well, not so far back I have explained enough on my earlier posts.

I was a problem child from day one, I used to throw my toys out of the window, talk to the ones I didn’t throw and basically get into trouble at school all the time. It is not like I had a bad start. My mum loved me and gave me all that a mother can. My father did the same. But, what was my biggest downfall was after my parents had split. We left in 2007, I was about 10 so by English school standards I was in year 4 (4th Grade). I wasn’t as social in school, I joined late to this new school because my parents split and we moved from London to Leicester. What happened between that move is between me and my siblings, my mother and God. But anyway, back to the story. When I lived I London, I went to a primary school called Grange Primary School. I had lots of friends people I practically grew up with. My mum was friends with other mums it was a pretty idea situation. But once we moved to Leicester it was like I didn’t know how to be a kid or how to socialise. I had always had a bad temper (I almost destroyed a classroom once). But, I was living with my Grandmother for two or more years. I finally was introduced properly to my mother’s side of the family. The James’.

But, school was no walk in the park. I was being picked on and getting into arguments and just not getting on with anyone. Come secondary school now; I was in a bigger school, with bigger problems. At Home, I wasn’t doing too well. Falling out with mum all the time, we argued a lot and my younger siblings saw it so much that it became normalised. By, the time I got to year 8/9; I had been on report for three of the five years  was at school, detentions became a new companion and isolations well, they were my best friend. Spending a whole day in a room not around anybody but one teacher and others who messed up just like me. People I knew would peep through the window and laugh at me, I was a stupid girl as far as they were concerned. I was mostly known for being awkward, weird, funny and strange. I had one main goal in school be noticed and actually make friends. I wanted to be the star of the scene wherever I was. P.E was my time to shine, I pulled all the stops. Placing all my antics on display for the teachers to see. I was awful, sometimes though I would get depressed and I never really understood why.. Maybe it was the fact that I wasn’t really happy, so people would see me get angry and lose my temper. I called teachers ‘BITCH’ ‘CUNT’ ‘FUCK YOU’. I just didn’t care at all. This would eventually effect my younger sibling, Kamali but not to the degree I would have thought.

But there was one person that kept me from doing dumb shit most of the time. Ashleigh. She was and is my best friend. We did almost everything together. It was so fun just hanging out at her house and just all of us having a good time, we had people come and go in our friendship circle but, It was almost me and her, the dynamic duo. Still going strong today 8 or more years now. What a life to live huh?

Prom was the ending sentence to a very long and chaotic book and I feel like it was the best day of my life. Me and Ashleigh killed it, we slayed and had an amazing time.

 

Advertisements

High feeling Low Downer

The mind is like the foundations of a home, little by little you are building a home with the experiences you had and the love you receive and the knowledge you acquire. Some people have built up a brick wall with that same mind and also put guard dogs in front of those walls and all types of security but, then it comes crashing down as the bulldozer destroys your space of protection and turns it into a flashy estate with a pool and a huge mansion sized gate that opens freely with no caution or regrets. This is my mind the constant feeling of needing to be kept and locked away from everyone; but the other needs of being confident speaking your mind and being extremely over the top. I glide through different moods everyday like any other human being but my only problem is that these pit stops are very short-lived or I make a full time residency there. The battle in my mind is one that has cost me a great deal of love and trust between my parents and I . Growing up; it was hard for me to understand what was going on in my brain and even today distinguishing between what is real and what is fake to me is a blurred line.

I always admired other young people in my family circle, a lot of them actually seem to be doing pretty well in life and seem to be moving forward, I on the other hand feel like i am moving 100 steps back every time. On family member has told me before that I am not a great role model for my siblings, which can be true in some aspects because  seem to always fall into despair and unhappiness as easy as the wind blows. One negative comment is all I need to be miserable and wanted to crawl back into my cave and to be left alone. The whole time my boyfriend came to see me I was feeling relatively ok for some time and then I gradually started to move into the realms of agitation and that is when you finally saw me acting like a firework that imploded on itself. I see myself in the mirror and look at the disasters that have taken place. The sharp lines that stretch across my arms, the way that I speak when I do have episodes. The weight I am carrying on my shoulder, the pure shame and embarrassment i have to bare on my shoulders is untold.

People look at me and all they see is a girl who needs psychological help, a girl who seems a tad unstable, a girl who just wants to breathe and that it all i want to do is breathe, if that is ok. Mum, I can’t explain why I am the way I am. I wish I could change but come to think of that would be a real shame because i like me and enjoy me. I feel I have let you down so many times and made you feel embarrassed and hurt. I love you a lot and it is shame that people won’t get to see me fly and soar because sometimes i feel like i am on borrowed time. Time handed to me by the God Anubis himself. Giving me the extra time to make peace on this earth and create a purpose for myself.

Mentally, ok?

For as long as I can remember I have been lost, confused. It is something that continuously haunts me of how lost I have become. Me and my parents do not see eye to eye most of the time and it is just getting so difficult now I feel like I am crumbling and I don’t feel safe in mind or in spirit. Everyone says, ‘yeah I get depressed sometimes, who doesn’t’ and they are right to a certain degree; it does happen to everyone. In this stage of my life I only have two choices, allow my mind to be fucked by what’s ‘SHE’ is doing or I can put a smile on my face and try to work hard. But, it is easier said than done. My mood fluctuates more than I can say, my boyfriend came down to see me and have been getting agitated so much so that don’t know where our relationship is right now. Yesterday, me and Curtis went to the beach but t had got so hot that began to feel faint. I stormed off, making a scene telling him to ‘leave me alone.’ These episodes that I have driven people away from me so quickly I do not know how I even have a social media, why I have friends because my brain says, ‘NO TAMIKA NO FRIENDS, BE ALONE.’ I can hear that constantly, telling me I am unattractive, a mess, a disgrace. Come to think of it, I feel like the biggest shame and disgrace not only to my parents but, especially to my siblings, they need a leader, a role model someone they can be proud of. There is no way people can be proud of me not whilst I am like this. I miss home, I miss people who I have grown up with. I miss my mum to the core. I am heartbroken everyday by the choices I have made which have caused us to drift apart so quickly. Ever since, mum got married I felt like I had been cheated out of life because of how quickly he entered my life, I was angry because to me that meant that Dad has and had been erased. But, now I am with Curtis I guess you could say I understand what love feels like.

In this year alone, I have seen for myself what I can do and can achieve. I feel like I have also seen what a dark path my mental health has led me on. With all the modelling agency debts and the non-existing modelling career I can honestly say financially I am not ok. Mentally, I am not ok? I want to show you this a poem I wrote for my mental health and being a black British woman:

I hate what I see when I look in the mirror,

The long dark legs and the tiger stripes that ripple across my cheek.

The sleekness of my skin, the many shades of brown, frown why?

My brain is on a journey, a journey to identify the beauty in me.

The beauty in me, yeah that one.

The one I had lost so long ago, was I in the snow,

Who is to know

I lost my soul a long time ago.

What passion lies within, this frail minded being.

What remarkable gifts, lie deep inside of me.

I wish, I wish I could take one look and say damn am not she pretty.

Well Ms. Celie, Ms Celie you sure is ugly.

I hate what I see when I look in the mirror.

The constant threats of the world tumble on me.

Pushing back and forth into the emptiness of me.

I like to write poems, sometimes they are even better to read because, I can share my pain and happiness with them, like we ae having a person one to one interaction. I can’t really see a future ahead, but then again, I am depressed right now so. My boyfriend is going back to Bristol today and I am so sad, spending summer alone, spending a lot of my time alone. I wish I could pick up the phone to mum but I am scare I fucked up so badly, ruined my life and now I must choose to find a way to make sense of this world and my world.

 

This world is poison

People are cruel, they can be vicious venomous creatures, you put your faith and trust in them and they just throw you under the bus. I cannot trust anyone anymore, I feel like i will be going into 2017 alone. Being shunned and ostracized for every mistake i make. life is just full of bullshit and people that keep trying to bring you down. I was on such a positive path but now I feel like I have hit rock bottom. The person in my life seems to be bringing me nothing but humiliation and pain. I am meant to be modelling but I can’t do it , I just can’t! She will probably hate me for letting her down twice but, I just can’t bring myself to be around any other people. I have to go work tomorrow and it is gonna be horrible but I have to work. I just have to go.

Losing Someone

death. A certain aspect of life we tend to fear, but some feel a sweet release when it occurs others may feel as though it is a curse given to them too soon. I myself have danced with death a couple of times and I have twice signed a pact to dance with him into the darkness. But, losing someone hurts more than anything, here is a little fictional tale i wrote inspired by my own experiences.

kisses from the one you love is like a breath of fresh air inhaled with a huge gasp of breeze. The moment these kisses became no more I was shattered by the cold harsh winds; crumbling into dust like a sandstorm. You see losing someone hurts more than you realize. It is a cold dark alley filled with multiple pains and sorrows. To lose a love is nothing that the human brain can process, but overtime you let go of that love and only remember what they left for you. In the ed, their time may not have been the way you wanted or the way they wanted but sometimes losing someone could be a new beginning for you, Finis their chapter where thy left off and you can continue your own. People lose a love, a form of happiness all the time. it doesn’t mean that everything is wrong it only means that they are now with you in spiritual bond rather than a physical vessel. 

 

New Form

New Form

 

 

We spend our teenage years wondering who we are and where our lives are going but the truth is we are forced to by mum and dad or school or fucking society. I grew up with the idea that you must behave a certain way or speak a certain way but I can’t act that way anymore because that is not me at all. Moving to Brighton for university has made me realise that I am a free form; a new form. People like me are a part of a small percentage of society that see life clearly, people like me end up depressed and anxious of their surroundings because we fear the form of life we see before us. But, you know what we can block it out because we are known for being very beautiful creatures who can adapt to the nature in sight. I have become one with myself and I am building my true form. I am done pretending to be something I am not for the benefits of others, I have met some beautiful people and have seen some beautiful things I have even met another life form that can follow me into the new form that I am building.

I met him three/four months ago, via the social web and it was a moment of happiness. He is like me a life form that is trying to seek the beauties of life and make the most of it all. We have been through a lot of tensions, heartache and pure bliss together and I am becoming so wrapped up in the love I want to be with him constantly. We used snap chat to converse and it turned into a blossoming lotus and I was so happy. I remember us sitting there for hours talking, babbling about anything and everything. Sometimes I look back at our conversations and smile because although some are bad, we have shown signs of an everlasting love. I have been however dealt with a lot of problems since we met. In December of this year, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I finally got the diagnosis I needed; I had been falling too much before and now I have a clear understanding of what I am dealing with. You know, that for me was heart-wrenching because for so long I dealt with my problems by slicing my skin or lying and stealing just trying to find ways of getting the attention and letting my voice be heard. I honestly, love my mother but, I hate how she and my step-father dealt with me. The narrowmindedness and arrogance seeping from their pores burnt my soul so deeply. One occasion I remember as clear as day was when my mother told me that she thought I was disgusting and slap-dash because I had sex without telling her; yes, there were times I wasn’t comfortable or even safe but, it happened and that is how life goes. People don’t believe me when I talk about what had happened to me because they think I am a liar, but I would never lie about what happened to me. I was hurt and ashamed for so long about what had happened to me, I was lost and I wish I had seen my senses and acknowledged I am beautiful and that I am a goddess, I wish I was smart enough to pat myself on the back because in this year alone I have attempted suicide three times; people may say that isn’t much but to be able to push your human instinct to one side and try to take the life away from yourself, I overdosed, tried to hang myself, tried to suffocate myself for what reason other than I needed to leave this vessel because my soul was corrupted and twisted.

I have been shunned all my life for being ungrateful or an attention-seeker but I was lost. Lost a word I use frequently because that is what I was. I look back at my life and I see a girl who was afraid, a girl who didn’t have anyone. I saw a girl who didn’t own up to her inner beauty or outer. I saw a girl trying to fit in, I saw a selfish girl someone who needed a hand when it was handed to her. I see now someone who has overcome the worst of the worst. I need to let go of my past and start to focus on the present and regain a future because I needed it and I needed myself, never mind asking others for help I needed to help myself and ask myself for help because no one knows this body, mind and soul better than I. So, thank you Curtis for being the love that made me look passed the mirror and see my true form, I thank myself for beating my inner pains and fighting my battle. Because now I have me, the only me , the new form.

to anyone reading this that is suffering mental illness, you are not a freak or a weirdo. you are you and what goes on mentally for you is a part of you. to the young people fighting within the black communities who are fighting for their place in their families because their parents do not understand trust and believe i am here and i know. i love you i really do because everyone deserves love because we were graced upon this earth to seek it, find it and share it.

People of uniqueness i beg of you to keep it flowing because by God’s grace, you are what life is about. To my sisters of color who speak their mind and speak their truths don’t be afraid because you and I are the future. I have been classed as the weirdo, the alternative black girl for too long and we need to stand up for ourselves and be strong. I love me, there is only one me so keep on living.

Momentarily you’re life shifts..

I grew up in London, for the first 9 years of my life and then suddenly I was moved with my mother, sister and brother to a new place. We traveled to the east midlands to a place called Leicester. I was very surprised when we moved because I was taken away from a place of comfort, a place in which I feel I belonged. Throughout life we move from lace to place and it is these experiences that make you who you are in the long run.

The furthest I have traveled was Jamaica; it was an exotic dream something you only see in the stars when you sleep at night. It was 5am we woke up to get dressed and ready for the taxi to come and take us to Gatwick airport. We waited after going through customs , check-in etc. I looked out the window and I saw planes flying high into the cloud; planes diving from within the clouds like dolphins in the see. I was scared, but had a rush of adrenaline that pumped through my body causing the fear to be hysterical. As we got our seat belts on they hostess’ showed us where the exits were in case of emergency. I stared at her, she was so elegant, structured from head to toe. With her hair pinned up in a bun, with a scarf wrapped around her neck. She had a royal blue pencil skirt on with the matching short sleeved blazer. As she sat down; all the other hostess’ sat down and put their seat belts on too. The captain spoke through the speakers like a floating voice, he told us to ‘sit back and relax as the plane was moving towards the runway.’ At this point, I was shaking; palms were sweating. I looked over at my brother and sister and they were crying, shaking too. Mum turned around and gave us all some gum. She smiled at us all knowing it was our first time flying. I could feel myself; feeling calmer knowing that I had her gaze on me. As plane grew faster in speed; it rose to the sky like a whale leaping out of the ocean. Up and down the plane went, leveling off before finally; reaching a place of balance and the shaking stopped, palms began to cool down and my fears were conquered.. for now.

The point I am making here is that you’re life shifts all the time in ways that may not be recognizable at first. Whether you’re moving to University for the time, getting a new first home, moving to another country, finding happiness in someone. Changes like these can be beneficial and although I didn’t favor the move from London to Leicester; it did benefit me in that I made new friends, lose some friends, made mistakes and grew as a person. Now my shift in life is working to save money for university and attending University. I am now at an age where my life is going in many different directions but it is up to me to stay in a good positive shift of life, rather than plummeting to the darkest of life. I have been to the darkest places in life; the move from London caused me psychological stress; not just me but my mother much more. But now, the benefits of moving to a smaller city to gain a better educational understanding and the value of knowledge and culture. Where I live it is multicultural and I get to experience some beautiful settings. I have a stepfather and a new baby sister, my life is going in a beautiful path, thriving with love, attention to perseverance and strength.