We spend our teenage years wondering who we are and where our lives are going but the truth is we are forced to by mum and dad or school or fucking society. I grew up with the idea that you must behave a certain way or speak a certain way but I can’t act that way anymore because that is not me at all. Moving to Brighton for university has made me realise that I am a free form; a new form. People like me are a part of a small percentage of society that see life clearly, people like me end up depressed and anxious of their surroundings because we fear the form of life we see before us. But, you know what we can block it out because we are known for being very beautiful creatures who can adapt to the nature in sight. I have become one with myself and I am building my true form. I am done pretending to be something I am not for the benefits of others, I have met some beautiful people and have seen some beautiful things I have even met another life form that can follow me into the new form that I am building.
I met him three/four months ago, via the social web and it was a moment of happiness. He is like me a life form that is trying to seek the beauties of life and make the most of it all. We have been through a lot of tensions, heartache and pure bliss together and I am becoming so wrapped up in the love I want to be with him constantly. We used snap chat to converse and it turned into a blossoming lotus and I was so happy. I remember us sitting there for hours talking, babbling about anything and everything. Sometimes I look back at our conversations and smile because although some are bad, we have shown signs of an everlasting love. I have been however dealt with a lot of problems since we met. In December of this year, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I finally got the diagnosis I needed; I had been falling too much before and now I have a clear understanding of what I am dealing with. You know, that for me was heart-wrenching because for so long I dealt with my problems by slicing my skin or lying and stealing just trying to find ways of getting the attention and letting my voice be heard. I honestly, love my mother but, I hate how she and my step-father dealt with me. The narrowmindedness and arrogance seeping from their pores burnt my soul so deeply. One occasion I remember as clear as day was when my mother told me that she thought I was disgusting and slap-dash because I had sex without telling her; yes, there were times I wasn’t comfortable or even safe but, it happened and that is how life goes. People don’t believe me when I talk about what had happened to me because they think I am a liar, but I would never lie about what happened to me. I was hurt and ashamed for so long about what had happened to me, I was lost and I wish I had seen my senses and acknowledged I am beautiful and that I am a goddess, I wish I was smart enough to pat myself on the back because in this year alone I have attempted suicide three times; people may say that isn’t much but to be able to push your human instinct to one side and try to take the life away from yourself, I overdosed, tried to hang myself, tried to suffocate myself for what reason other than I needed to leave this vessel because my soul was corrupted and twisted.
I have been shunned all my life for being ungrateful or an attention-seeker but I was lost. Lost a word I use frequently because that is what I was. I look back at my life and I see a girl who was afraid, a girl who didn’t have anyone. I saw a girl who didn’t own up to her inner beauty or outer. I saw a girl trying to fit in, I saw a selfish girl someone who needed a hand when it was handed to her. I see now someone who has overcome the worst of the worst. I need to let go of my past and start to focus on the present and regain a future because I needed it and I needed myself, never mind asking others for help I needed to help myself and ask myself for help because no one knows this body, mind and soul better than I. So, thank you Curtis for being the love that made me look passed the mirror and see my true form, I thank myself for beating my inner pains and fighting my battle. Because now I have me, the only me , the new form.
to anyone reading this that is suffering mental illness, you are not a freak or a weirdo. you are you and what goes on mentally for you is a part of you. to the young people fighting within the black communities who are fighting for their place in their families because their parents do not understand trust and believe i am here and i know. i love you i really do because everyone deserves love because we were graced upon this earth to seek it, find it and share it.
People of uniqueness i beg of you to keep it flowing because by God’s grace, you are what life is about. To my sisters of color who speak their mind and speak their truths don’t be afraid because you and I are the future. I have been classed as the weirdo, the alternative black girl for too long and we need to stand up for ourselves and be strong. I love me, there is only one me so keep on living.