High feeling Low Downer

The mind is like the foundations of a home, little by little you are building a home with the experiences you had and the love you receive and the knowledge you acquire. Some people have built up a brick wall with that same mind and also put guard dogs in front of those walls and all types of security but, then it comes crashing down as the bulldozer destroys your space of protection and turns it into a flashy estate with a pool and a huge mansion sized gate that opens freely with no caution or regrets. This is my mind the constant feeling of needing to be kept and locked away from everyone; but the other needs of being confident speaking your mind and being extremely over the top. I glide through different moods everyday like any other human being but my only problem is that these pit stops are very short-lived or I make a full time residency there. The battle in my mind is one that has cost me a great deal of love and trust between my parents and I . Growing up; it was hard for me to understand what was going on in my brain and even today distinguishing between what is real and what is fake to me is a blurred line.

I always admired other young people in my family circle, a lot of them actually seem to be doing pretty well in life and seem to be moving forward, I on the other hand feel like i am moving 100 steps back every time. On family member has told me before that I am not a great role model for my siblings, which can be true in some aspects because  seem to always fall into despair and unhappiness as easy as the wind blows. One negative comment is all I need to be miserable and wanted to crawl back into my cave and to be left alone. The whole time my boyfriend came to see me I was feeling relatively ok for some time and then I gradually started to move into the realms of agitation and that is when you finally saw me acting like a firework that imploded on itself. I see myself in the mirror and look at the disasters that have taken place. The sharp lines that stretch across my arms, the way that I speak when I do have episodes. The weight I am carrying on my shoulder, the pure shame and embarrassment i have to bare on my shoulders is untold.

People look at me and all they see is a girl who needs psychological help, a girl who seems a tad unstable, a girl who just wants to breathe and that it all i want to do is breathe, if that is ok. Mum, I can’t explain why I am the way I am. I wish I could change but come to think of that would be a real shame because i like me and enjoy me. I feel I have let you down so many times and made you feel embarrassed and hurt. I love you a lot and it is shame that people won’t get to see me fly and soar because sometimes i feel like i am on borrowed time. Time handed to me by the God Anubis himself. Giving me the extra time to make peace on this earth and create a purpose for myself.


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