I can change if I want to?

I like the idea that I make mistakes, it makes me feel more human and more aware of things. With my anxiety disorder I have managed to see the world different, think differently to. I have had a boyfriend for almost a year now, and it has been a year of pain, a year of love and a year of me being extremely messy. My problems began way before him though. To this day, I still manage to mess up and fall apart but it’s ok I am only human right. I will tell it from the start well, not so far back I have explained enough on my earlier posts.

I was a problem child from day one, I used to throw my toys out of the window, talk to the ones I didn’t throw and basically get into trouble at school all the time. It is not like I had a bad start. My mum loved me and gave me all that a mother can. My father did the same. But, what was my biggest downfall was after my parents had split. We left in 2007, I was about 10 so by English school standards I was in year 4 (4th Grade). I wasn’t as social in school, I joined late to this new school because my parents split and we moved from London to Leicester. What happened between that move is between me and my siblings, my mother and God. But anyway, back to the story. When I lived I London, I went to a primary school called Grange Primary School. I had lots of friends people I practically grew up with. My mum was friends with other mums it was a pretty idea situation. But once we moved to Leicester it was like I didn’t know how to be a kid or how to socialise. I had always had a bad temper (I almost destroyed a classroom once). But, I was living with my Grandmother for two or more years. I finally was introduced properly to my mother’s side of the family. The James’.

But, school was no walk in the park. I was being picked on and getting into arguments and just not getting on with anyone. Come secondary school now; I was in a bigger school, with bigger problems. At Home, I wasn’t doing too well. Falling out with mum all the time, we argued a lot and my younger siblings saw it so much that it became normalised. By, the time I got to year 8/9; I had been on report for three of the five years  was at school, detentions became a new companion and isolations well, they were my best friend. Spending a whole day in a room not around anybody but one teacher and others who messed up just like me. People I knew would peep through the window and laugh at me, I was a stupid girl as far as they were concerned. I was mostly known for being awkward, weird, funny and strange. I had one main goal in school be noticed and actually make friends. I wanted to be the star of the scene wherever I was. P.E was my time to shine, I pulled all the stops. Placing all my antics on display for the teachers to see. I was awful, sometimes though I would get depressed and I never really understood why.. Maybe it was the fact that I wasn’t really happy, so people would see me get angry and lose my temper. I called teachers ‘BITCH’ ‘CUNT’ ‘FUCK YOU’. I just didn’t care at all. This would eventually effect my younger sibling, Kamali but not to the degree I would have thought.

But there was one person that kept me from doing dumb shit most of the time. Ashleigh. She was and is my best friend. We did almost everything together. It was so fun just hanging out at her house and just all of us having a good time, we had people come and go in our friendship circle but, It was almost me and her, the dynamic duo. Still going strong today 8 or more years now. What a life to live huh?

Prom was the ending sentence to a very long and chaotic book and I feel like it was the best day of my life. Me and Ashleigh killed it, we slayed and had an amazing time.



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