For as long as I can remember I have been lost, confused. It is something that continuously haunts me of how lost I have become. Me and my parents do not see eye to eye most of the time and it is just getting so difficult now I feel like I am crumbling and I don’t feel safe in mind or in spirit. Everyone says, ‘yeah I get depressed sometimes, who doesn’t’ and they are right to a certain degree; it does happen to everyone. In this stage of my life I only have two choices, allow my mind to be fucked by what’s ‘SHE’ is doing or I can put a smile on my face and try to work hard. But, it is easier said than done. My mood fluctuates more than I can say, my boyfriend came down to see me and have been getting agitated so much so that don’t know where our relationship is right now. Yesterday, me and Curtis went to the beach but t had got so hot that began to feel faint. I stormed off, making a scene telling him to ‘leave me alone.’ These episodes that I have driven people away from me so quickly I do not know how I even have a social media, why I have friends because my brain says, ‘NO TAMIKA NO FRIENDS, BE ALONE.’ I can hear that constantly, telling me I am unattractive, a mess, a disgrace. Come to think of it, I feel like the biggest shame and disgrace not only to my parents but, especially to my siblings, they need a leader, a role model someone they can be proud of. There is no way people can be proud of me not whilst I am like this. I miss home, I miss people who I have grown up with. I miss my mum to the core. I am heartbroken everyday by the choices I have made which have caused us to drift apart so quickly. Ever since, mum got married I felt like I had been cheated out of life because of how quickly he entered my life, I was angry because to me that meant that Dad has and had been erased. But, now I am with Curtis I guess you could say I understand what love feels like.
In this year alone, I have seen for myself what I can do and can achieve. I feel like I have also seen what a dark path my mental health has led me on. With all the modelling agency debts and the non-existing modelling career I can honestly say financially I am not ok. Mentally, I am not ok? I want to show you this a poem I wrote for my mental health and being a black British woman:
I hate what I see when I look in the mirror,
The long dark legs and the tiger stripes that ripple across my cheek.
The sleekness of my skin, the many shades of brown, frown why?
My brain is on a journey, a journey to identify the beauty in me.
The beauty in me, yeah that one.
The one I had lost so long ago, was I in the snow,
Who is to know
I lost my soul a long time ago.
What passion lies within, this frail minded being.
What remarkable gifts, lie deep inside of me.
I wish, I wish I could take one look and say damn am not she pretty.
Well Ms. Celie, Ms Celie you sure is ugly.
I hate what I see when I look in the mirror.
The constant threats of the world tumble on me.
Pushing back and forth into the emptiness of me.
I like to write poems, sometimes they are even better to read because, I can share my pain and happiness with them, like we ae having a person one to one interaction. I can’t really see a future ahead, but then again, I am depressed right now so. My boyfriend is going back to Bristol today and I am so sad, spending summer alone, spending a lot of my time alone. I wish I could pick up the phone to mum but I am scare I fucked up so badly, ruined my life and now I must choose to find a way to make sense of this world and my world.