High feeling Low Downer

The mind is like the foundations of a home, little by little you are building a home with the experiences you had and the love you receive and the knowledge you acquire. Some people have built up a brick wall with that same mind and also put guard dogs in front of those walls and all types of security but, then it comes crashing down as the bulldozer destroys your space of protection and turns it into a flashy estate with a pool and a huge mansion sized gate that opens freely with no caution or regrets. This is my mind the constant feeling of needing to be kept and locked away from everyone; but the other needs of being confident speaking your mind and being extremely over the top. I glide through different moods everyday like any other human being but my only problem is that these pit stops are very short-lived or I make a full time residency there. The battle in my mind is one that has cost me a great deal of love and trust between my parents and I . Growing up; it was hard for me to understand what was going on in my brain and even today distinguishing between what is real and what is fake to me is a blurred line.

I always admired other young people in my family circle, a lot of them actually seem to be doing pretty well in life and seem to be moving forward, I on the other hand feel like i am moving 100 steps back every time. On family member has told me before that I am not a great role model for my siblings, which can be true in some aspects because  seem to always fall into despair and unhappiness as easy as the wind blows. One negative comment is all I need to be miserable and wanted to crawl back into my cave and to be left alone. The whole time my boyfriend came to see me I was feeling relatively ok for some time and then I gradually started to move into the realms of agitation and that is when you finally saw me acting like a firework that imploded on itself. I see myself in the mirror and look at the disasters that have taken place. The sharp lines that stretch across my arms, the way that I speak when I do have episodes. The weight I am carrying on my shoulder, the pure shame and embarrassment i have to bare on my shoulders is untold.

People look at me and all they see is a girl who needs psychological help, a girl who seems a tad unstable, a girl who just wants to breathe and that it all i want to do is breathe, if that is ok. Mum, I can’t explain why I am the way I am. I wish I could change but come to think of that would be a real shame because i like me and enjoy me. I feel I have let you down so many times and made you feel embarrassed and hurt. I love you a lot and it is shame that people won’t get to see me fly and soar because sometimes i feel like i am on borrowed time. Time handed to me by the God Anubis himself. Giving me the extra time to make peace on this earth and create a purpose for myself.

Mentally, ok?

For as long as I can remember I have been lost, confused. It is something that continuously haunts me of how lost I have become. Me and my parents do not see eye to eye most of the time and it is just getting so difficult now I feel like I am crumbling and I don’t feel safe in mind or in spirit. Everyone says, ‘yeah I get depressed sometimes, who doesn’t’ and they are right to a certain degree; it does happen to everyone. In this stage of my life I only have two choices, allow my mind to be fucked by what’s ‘SHE’ is doing or I can put a smile on my face and try to work hard. But, it is easier said than done. My mood fluctuates more than I can say, my boyfriend came down to see me and have been getting agitated so much so that don’t know where our relationship is right now. Yesterday, me and Curtis went to the beach but t had got so hot that began to feel faint. I stormed off, making a scene telling him to ‘leave me alone.’ These episodes that I have driven people away from me so quickly I do not know how I even have a social media, why I have friends because my brain says, ‘NO TAMIKA NO FRIENDS, BE ALONE.’ I can hear that constantly, telling me I am unattractive, a mess, a disgrace. Come to think of it, I feel like the biggest shame and disgrace not only to my parents but, especially to my siblings, they need a leader, a role model someone they can be proud of. There is no way people can be proud of me not whilst I am like this. I miss home, I miss people who I have grown up with. I miss my mum to the core. I am heartbroken everyday by the choices I have made which have caused us to drift apart so quickly. Ever since, mum got married I felt like I had been cheated out of life because of how quickly he entered my life, I was angry because to me that meant that Dad has and had been erased. But, now I am with Curtis I guess you could say I understand what love feels like.

In this year alone, I have seen for myself what I can do and can achieve. I feel like I have also seen what a dark path my mental health has led me on. With all the modelling agency debts and the non-existing modelling career I can honestly say financially I am not ok. Mentally, I am not ok? I want to show you this a poem I wrote for my mental health and being a black British woman:

I hate what I see when I look in the mirror,

The long dark legs and the tiger stripes that ripple across my cheek.

The sleekness of my skin, the many shades of brown, frown why?

My brain is on a journey, a journey to identify the beauty in me.

The beauty in me, yeah that one.

The one I had lost so long ago, was I in the snow,

Who is to know

I lost my soul a long time ago.

What passion lies within, this frail minded being.

What remarkable gifts, lie deep inside of me.

I wish, I wish I could take one look and say damn am not she pretty.

Well Ms. Celie, Ms Celie you sure is ugly.

I hate what I see when I look in the mirror.

The constant threats of the world tumble on me.

Pushing back and forth into the emptiness of me.

I like to write poems, sometimes they are even better to read because, I can share my pain and happiness with them, like we ae having a person one to one interaction. I can’t really see a future ahead, but then again, I am depressed right now so. My boyfriend is going back to Bristol today and I am so sad, spending summer alone, spending a lot of my time alone. I wish I could pick up the phone to mum but I am scare I fucked up so badly, ruined my life and now I must choose to find a way to make sense of this world and my world.